Grief is not linear – and neither is the process of going through a loved one’s belongings. The clothes still hanging in the closet, the scent still lingering in the fabric, the shoes tucked neatly under the bed – they are more than just things. They are reminders of a presence, a voice, a heartbeat that once filled your world.
Sorting through these items can feel like a second loss. But there are ways to approach this emotionally complex task with gentleness, reverence, and yes – even a little grace for yourself.
Step One: Don’t Rush the Process
You don’t need to follow anyone’s timeline. There’s no “right” number of days after a loss when it becomes acceptable to start sorting through belongings. Some people feel ready within weeks. Others take months or years. Both are okay.
Step Two: Create a Sorting Ritual
Whether it’s lighting a candle, playing their favorite music, or inviting a trusted friend to sit quietly with you, creating a gentle ritual can help you shift from avoidance to action.
Break it into manageable sections. Start with a drawer. A single shelf. You don’t need to KonMari the closet in one afternoon.
Step Three: Keep the Things That Carry Their Story
Instead of focusing on what to discard, focus on what to keep. What items best reflect their essence? Is it a well-worn flannel shirt? A beloved pair of gardening gloves? A quirky pin collection?
Choose a few “story keepers” and give them a place of honor – perhaps in a shadow box, memory chest, or even integrated into something functional, like a quilt or pillow.
Step Four: Guilt Is Not a Reason to Keep Something
Letting go of belongings is not letting go of love. If you’re holding on to items only because you feel you “should,” check in with yourself. Guilt is not the price of love. And decluttering doesn’t dishonor their memory – it can actually illuminate it.
Step Five: Consider Who Else Might Need or Want These Items
Would a friend or family member find comfort in a keepsake? Could donating their clothes to a cause they cared about give those items new life and meaning?
Let their legacy extend outward – through generosity, connection, and care.
Step Six: Pause When You Need To
This process will bring tears. Laughter. And maybe the occasional “I can’t do this today” moment. That’s normal.
You’re not just clearing space. You’re tending to memory. And that kind of work deserves your patience and compassion.